The Hidden Dangers of Toxic Positivity in Christianity: Why Understanding the Complexity of Mental Illness and Neurodivergence Matters
“How to remove depression”- A YouTube short
1. Exercise for 30 minutes
2. Clean or repair of something you can see
3. Pray for 30 minutes
4. Serve. Do something meaningful for somebody else
Watching this, it’s hard not to compare. In my case, my situation, having mental and physical illnesses, has been a battle for most, if not all, of my life. I was born with a neurodevelopmental disability, a learning disability, and an invisible illness that became physically disabling in my adulthood. I have suffered from chronic depression since early elementary school age. My first thought of not wanting to be alive, questioning my existence due to the way I struggled to proccess my environment and how it treated me along with my cognitive dissonance within myself was at 5 years old. I had bouts of dissociation and depersonalization due to overstimulation. Meltdowns in early childhood became shutdowns as I’ve gotten older, with occasional meltdowns now. My nervous system was constantly in distress because of the way my brain processed the environment without support and failed systems of integration. After showers and getting dressed, and with groups of people, I felt like an alien. I touched my arms, my face, and made facial expressions to see if the mirror mimicked my movements because the feeling I felt constantly didn’t feel real, and if it was, I didn’t want it to be. The sensory experience of showers and clothes touching me made me want to peel my skin away and rearrange my aching bones.
I didn’t understand myself, and no one did. I didn’t get the supportive therapies I needed growing up. So the thorn grew bigger and bigger. I was sad. Sad all the time because my brain is, and sometimes still believes it is broken. I have strong faith, and as a follower of Christ, I have come a long way to what may seem impossible to others. It was God because, apart from Him, I am nothing and wouldn’t be here today writing this. However, we all have our cross to bear, for in other terms, our battle is to fight for our purpose and His glory. So the christian 4-step “how to remove depression” isn’t entirely incorrect, and I have done it, but will try in that exact order; however, I do think it’s suitable for situational depression, like major life changes, like financial strain, job loss, moving, grief, and heartbreak. Not for someone who is treated as a medical anomaly at every doctor’s visit…
With that being said, I had my neurologist appointment today with a new doctor. After this appointment, I had a shutdown and was confused, frustrated because I was confused disoriented because of my frustration because of my confusion and then only 10 hrs later finally figured out all this because (thanks, alexithymia and interoception). The neuro gave me prescriptions, referrals, and overall lifestyle changes, as I tried my best to stay present because I was confused and didn’t understand. Mental health with the overlap of neurodivergence is important; it’s not just mental illness, it’s the reason behind it and why my brain and body work the way it does. I was getting overwhelmed and couldn’t advocate for myself the way I wanted, which resulted in me being unheard, which made me more upset. The doctor recommended various supplements for my depression, along with “getting out more and doing activities like painting, because just don’t be depressed and sit at home, because your brain is good and there’s activities to do at home”… I can agree to that to some extent but this is why understanding underlying conditions are important I am not as mobile as I like (I’m working on it in therapy), chronic pain, and low mood because it’s my default emotion. After all, I have been this way for almost ever, and now the pain is causing an even lower mood. On the other side, hyperfixations, special interests, burnout, fatigue, and having no energy to do activities and release creativity, because I can only rest. So yes, I need to prioritize basic needs because they’ve been neglected, because my physical health is poor, your priority becomes drinking water, making sure you use the restroom, and keeping up with hygiene.
Basic daily living activities have to become priority because they need to get done even though they take energy out of me, hobbies that I want to do take almost the same amount of energy causing me fatigue and flare my symptoms so that’s why I have limited myself tobasic nessesities because I’m struggling. There’s no time to color, take a walk, or sometimes even read a book. All I have the energy for is to barely get out of bed and brush my teeth, eat food, and wipe my behind, and that in itself makes me want to lie down for the next 8 hours… Which then becomes a cycle of me not being able to do the things I want to do because I don’t have the energy for it, and then the things that I need to do become neglected, and vice versa. So this is not as simple as doing four steps. Sure, like depression can go away just because those who struggle with it just don’t sit at home and be depressed, and paint instead. It’s more than that. Of course, I do try to do things I like to do from time to time and rest in between. Even though it gets exhausting, I try. I try my best. Going outside and navigating disability with a mobility aid is hard because people already perceive me as if something is wrong with me in my entire existence. Now there’s a visual aspect to my disability that makes people stare. Does that make it hard to go outside? Yes, because I still have to go outside. People constantly judge you or look at you, and when you talk, they don’t understand you. So you feel like something’s wrong with you or maybe them? It’s always a disconnect with people, so I’d rather spend time alone. I enjoy my solitude so much, and what I do and feel inside that bubble nobody else can give me. So next time weather in spaces of faith or medicine where people are supposed to feel welcome and accepted no matter what, serve and care for others in a way thats accesible to them. In the future, try not to invalidate people with mental illnesses or neurodivergence. Maybe you don’t know the full story, so you should just be quiet or ask them what their experience is like.